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Simple yet complicated, the girl you'ld love to hate but can't stop loving. Above all, I AM WHO AND WHAT GOD SAYS I AM.....

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Let GOD's will prevail........NOT MINE!!!

I have been so busy with the things around me that I haven't been able to upload or comment on anyone's page. I've been meaning to put this up for almost two weeks now and anytime I want to I have something else to do. So here it goes.....on the 1st of this month I made a decision to let go off Pretty boi for a while until things with him become stable. I thot that weekend was gonna be a blast but too my despair it was one of the worst weekend I have ever spent with him. The way everything happened was shocking to me because he apologized for being an asshole and I was glad that things would turn out better than they were but I was wrong. I was at his place that weekend and HE WANTED ME TO COME OVER, I didn't just wake up that friday and made up my mind to go to his place. It was his own idea and I was perplexed when he left me in the house on sunday for almost 9hrs if not more. I mean he was out with his buddies the night before and I didn't really mind because we talked about it when he got back home and so I thot everything was cool. It was so annoying because he claimed that he was working on stuff with some students in his organization and then the meeting they were supposed to have was a "BOARD MEETING." Okay cool but my question to him was......Why couldn't I come along? He tried explaining but it didn't make enuff sense to me. At that point I started to think otherwise....just maybe, maybe there was someone he liked or he was talking to and he didn't want me to find out. But was that the real reason....I don't know! So I sat there that sunday afternoon and cried my eyes out, didn't have any appetite and then I decided to write something down and I did but was never able to say it to him because guess what?

Pretty boi I'm gonna ask you this....Do you love me?
So this is it, I asked if you needed a break and you said NO but I'm gonna give it to you anyway.....why?

Before you do stuff put yourself in my shoes and if you cannot do that then you cannot love me.
I really feel you need a break and you said I shouldn't put words in your mouth but really, ACTION speaks louder and clearer than VOICE. I refuse and cannot be a doormat, whereby you clean your feet on me whenever you step in and out. You said you need to live your life also, I'm definitely willing to let you do just that. You keep apologizing and I keep forgiving but this is not the kind of life I want.....I want someone who loves me for who I am and not when they feel like it. You take three steps forward and thirty steps back....that's not healthy at all! I want a friend who is loyal and who I can trust. If I continue like this trust me I'm gonna start disloving you....if there's any word like that.....I can't HATE cuz it's so strong and so is LOVE. Hopefully you see the light and come to the realization that you need to change for yourself and not for me. I will still be here to listen and to help because that's what I'm good at doing anyway. I will always be a friend and I pray that God sees you through all this trials. You go on and on with your everyday life and I think it's time you put God first and allow Him....let Him help you, lead you, guide your every step.....make up your mind! I've asked you a couple of times what you want from me but you cannot give me an answer. So just maybe you'll find an answer when you take a break. As for me, I am so willing to let you go because I believe if you are mine, you'll surely come back to me. It's hard......oh you have no idea but I'll do it anyway. There were times where I used to feel like I was the center of your world.....when it comes to our relationship of course....but now I feel I'm just like every other girl you have in your life. I don't think you know this but you are not hurting me, you're hurting yourself. You want to eat your cake and have it too but babe it doesn't work that way at all. I said it before and I'll say it again being in love/staying in love and falling in love are totally different. You wanna know what I think? You fell in love with me and you only love the idea of being with me. You have to do a lot better to know that I am the one you want. Darling, I cannot force you to love me, I can only pray that God teaches you how to love me. LOVE is the greatest gift of all and if you cannot be in love with me, then I'm not for you. If you are willing to make this work, take a break and use that time to pray like never before. Good things are hard to find. You never know the worth of someone or something until you lose it. I love you regardless of what we've been through lately and I AM IN LOVE with you. God help me be a better person and I will always have you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank God I found you because I have been a better person through it all. So with all being said keep the ball rolling but remember it's in your court so play it wisely.

On Monday morning he asked for a break because he wasn't happy and since he wasn't happy, he wouldn't be able to make me happy. Yeah He's been going through a lot and I just thot I could be there for him but I guess not. He said I pushed him to the edge with the way I was asking him questions and stuff. It felt like I didn't trust him and he was surprised bcuz he didn't know where all that was coming from. Well in my heart I was glad bcuz of they way I was feeling but mehn that monday I cried and cried and cried. I was at school but it was so hard to focus. I wasn't crying cuz I was hurt, it was just the fact that everything I wrote just became a reality. I can't even tell my girl friends cuz I never disclose what goes on in my relationship with any one of them, I'll rather tell my guy friends but even then they like me so that will just be an opportunity for them to start yarning dust. I called my sister throughout that day and she knew how I felt. She said I shouldn't leave him be....I should call from time to time but continually keep him in my prayers. It's hard oooooooooooooo.....kai! So we are on a break now but even then I don't know what to do. What do pple do when they take breaks?

He called me this morning to wish me a happy valentine's day.....I wish I didn't pick up but since I was still awake @ 12 midnight I did. I thank God for everything, He has been my strength and my all. I miss pretty boi, I miss talking to him and having him be a part of almost every decision I make. I know everything's well. I don't call him as much as I want to but oh well he asked for a break.....but even then it's confusing cuz I don't know when to call or when not to so I just decided not to even make an attempt. All I've been doing lately is praying for him and I'm still waiting on my confirmation from know if he's really the one.
Well I and my girlfriends are going for this dance held by our school. I know we'll have a blast and I can't wait!

Btw I have an update on how things have been, living conditions and all. I'll post it soon.....not sure when but I will.


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